Wordful Wednesday.

It takes effort and a touch of energy to update this blog, and others that I have. Depression and grief sap my energy, and change my internet use from output to soothing/numbing. I sought out a lot of cute animal pictures, and spent a lot of time adjusting.

I'm still hurting, still miss him, still wish I could have done... anything. More. Saved him. Known I wasn't hurting him by making him wait to go to the vet clinic he loved. I have so many doubts.

With the information I had, I did the best that I could. I just wish I'd known more, sooner, and had more options.

I've put a lot of effort into trying to put what we had into words. Maybe I'll post that here, sometime. For now, it will have to be enough to say that just thinking of Duncan used to bring me comfort and a sense of peace. To have his memory be painful is a natural part of grieving, but it feels like I'm cut off from a part of myself.

Keeper has helped me get out of the house that no longer feels right without him in it. She's kept me on my feet when I've pushed too hard. She's kept me laughing. She's been what I've needed to get through the worst of it. And the worst of it was facing our 9 year anniversary without him. It'll be easier from here.

I wrote to someone else that he and I were so much a team that it was "we" and I don't really know how to be "me" without him. I wish I didn't have to learn. I had more faith in him than in my own body. He'll be in my heart, and I'll love him for always. So in a way, he can never fully be gone.