On grief, and love

I'm still in an emotional hole after Duncan's death, still feel like part of how I live my life, how I defined myself, has been ripped away. It's like expecting another step at the bottom of a staircase and being brought up short. You don't fall, but it's jarring.

Shortly before he died, a friend asked me how I defined 'home.' (I think she was asking to see if I had any hints on making a new place seem familiar.) I told her home was where Duncan was, and I meant it. But also, I've referred to hotel rooms as 'home'- because that's where my family was staying, or where Duncan and I were sleeping. It's never really been a place or particular building for me.

I had another friend ask me how long it hurts once you've lost a good dog. I don't know. Twink died in February 2005, my parents told me in March (didn't want to mess up my midterms at college.) I found Duncan in May of 2007, but didn't really fall in love with him until Nov/Dec that year. Nearly three years to stop grieving Twink enough to make room for loving Duncan... but I still missed her.

Twink died more than a decade ago. I still have moments I miss her deeply. I burst into tears during a rescue transport because the dog looked and moved so much like her it was like seeing her ghost. (Thankfully the rescue was moving that doppelganger girly new home or I'd likely have tried to adopt her.) Mostly I've moved on to being grateful for the smiles and the memories, for how she thwarting my efforts to harm myself.

Duncan died 7 months and 11 days ago. I'm crying as I type this, and there are still unexpected tidal waves of grief when I think of him. I still have trouble talking about him without getting choked up. I have trouble sorting through grief of him as a loved one, and grief of a service dog that worked so well for me that asking for his help felt like an extension of myself. I started grieving when he had to retire, and had only sort of come to grips with not having his help in public (still relying on him a fair bit at home) when he died.

It's hard to explain what it's like to be part of a properly matched service dog team. Where I was weak, he shored me up. I took care of his every need. We were together 24/7. While I have never had a child or a spouse, it's got to be a bit like being a parent, or being married (only, the SD also goes to work with you and is a coworker, a caregiver, a roommate, a friend, a confidant....) Duncan was a facet of my understanding of myself. When it came to knowing when I'd fall, he knew me better than I knew myself, and he warned me.

So I feel like I've lost my home, though I live in the same house. I feel like I've lost a defining part of me, and a safety net for when my body fails me (Keeper does alert, but not with as much warning or with as much 'listen to me now' authority). I'm still grieving him deeply, though I am reaching the point where I can sometimes tell stories and smile about him and remember the joy he brought to my life. I hope I remember more of the joy and get more distance from the pain.

Strider was easier to grieve- it wasn't going to work, I returned him to a wonderful woman (his breeder), who found him a fantastic home (where he's earning titles, having adventures, and making more great dogs for other people to love). Still, I had him 8 months, and grieved maybe a year? I don't have a firm timeline. I don't really know how long I'll grieve for Duncan.

I do know that what's making it bearable is 100 pounds of fluffy, derpy, ridiculousness. Keeper is not Duncan, and she's not Strider. In some ways she's similar to Twink. Still, she's her own being, and she is generally full of love and happiness. She makes me smile in spite of my fear and my grief. She got me through the worst of Duncan's unexpected death. I have hopes she'll see me through puppy raising and training her successor. (I really don't do well with the sheer work most puppies are to raise from 8 weeks to ~4 months.)

I have four days off work to just be home and rest, or only do what I want to do. And I'm happy that I have Keeper at work and at home. Last night she stole a sock of mine from the hamper, went and laid down and used it as a pillow. I love her. She loves me more. It's a weird and humbling thing to realize that I may have to support her on being brave and convincing her strange things won't eat her (dino costumes come to mind), but that she is exactly the dog I needed to ease me through Strider's career change and Duncan's death.

There are times she irritates me (So much licking. Ew.); times she exasperates me (crate training took forever); times I despair about her not learning or retaining as much as the boys (she doesn't have their language skills and her vision isn't great for hand signals); and sometimes I sit and worry about what skills she hasn't learned as well as I'd hoped. However, what she does now, she does solidly, and she has learned a lot.

In addition, she's unfailingly sweet, her happiness is infectious, and she's a balm to the jagged edges of my soul. I don't know what sort of emotional wreckage I'd be without her. I do know that with her help, I'm still able to pass for a functional adult.

Do what you can...

It's time again for the Assistance Dog Blog Carnival (I apparently missed the last one.) http://aftergadget.wordpress.com/about-the-assistance-dog-blog-carnival/

ADBC button- purple dog on lavender background 

The call for posts is over at Ruled By Paws http://www.ruledbypaws.ca/2013/10/call-for-submissions
The topic this round is "Lessons."

2013 has been a hard year, and it’s not over yet. Duncan blew his knee in January. We did 8 weeks of post-op care. My PTSD and Strider’s instincts clashed horribly just after that, and I returned him to his breeder April 1^st.

I spent months heartbroken and depressed. I’d lost Duncan’s help for weight bearing tasks. While the vet said he could go back to normal work, I’d catch him in the hallway, leaning on the wall to take weight off his left side. It still bothered him. Maybe not as much, but it did. We did hydrotherapy for a while, and he seems better, but mobility work is still not something I want to stress him with.

Strider is doing well in his new home. I’m Facebook friends with his new people, and part of the healing was watching him thrive with them. I hadn’t ruined him. I hadn’t failed him. And he was happy. Which meant it was time for me to move on.

I started looking again, checking shelters and contacting breeders about returned dogs- I didn’t want to deal with all the housebreaking and issues of a young puppy. I went to a dog show, looking to see if there were breeds that, by their body language, set off my hypervigilance. (I learned there’s more than I would have expected, some of them breeds I thought I’d do well with.) Bernese Mountain Dogs, female Great Pyrenees and some hounds seemed like they might work.

I had one BMD breeder say she had a male, who sounded wonderful. I was so excited to go meet him. Then she decided to keep him (he really was wonderful), and it made the depression and heartbreak worse.

The second BMD breeder called me back. She had a male and a female. The male had completed his championship, and was a little less than confident with her other males. The female had not enjoyed the show ring. She liked the judge, she just didn’t think the trotting was all that fun.

Since the PTSD has left me anxious and reactive, I didn’t think I’d be a good match for the male. I went to go see the female. I spent more than an hour there. I fell in love.

Keeper came home just before she turned 10 months, and then we hit a hell of a fear imprint period. I worried she wouldn’t work out, that I’d ruin another prospect. She came out of it, and is learning new skills.

Duncan’s running around and having a great time wrestling with her, though he seems a little perturbed when she wins tug-of-war. He’s no longer the biggest. He’s not 100% on the knee, but he’s 90-95%, and happy. I’ll take it.

I signed up for online dog classes-FE400: Hearing Dog Training with Martha Hoffman and FE210: Shaping with Sue Ailsby- at Fenzi Academy http://www.fenzidogsportsacademy.com/. I’m learning a lot, and getting to polish old skills. I’m teaching Duncan new things to keep him from being bored in his retirement. I’m laying a foundation with Keeper. We’re all enjoying the training sessions, and we’re communicating more.

When Keeper came home, she was mannered, but not trained. She acted like she’d never been asked to problem solve to earn food, and she stuck on food held in hands, staring and standing (I assume this is show ring training?) She’s now offering behaviors, trying new things, and making me proud.

I’m still chipping away at the PTSD with my shrink (Keeper knows the route to the office, but is now trying to take me down hallways to explore), going to physical therapy to see what we can fix on the after-effects of the car wreck, still writing and working part time. As much as I’ll be teaching the dogs, I’ve been learning from them the lesson I need to learn again and again- keep going. It’s not going to be easy, all the time. But there’s always something new coming up.

Theodore Roosevelt said, “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” I don’t always remember that quote. I want to do more, be more, have more, go more places, most days. But I have the dogs, and we’re learning together. I even have some video of Keeper.

Keeper’s grabbing a wooden dowel dumbbell, and even holds it for a second or two, occasionally. Since her breed is not known for retrieving, and this is our third lesson on this task, I’m pleased.

One of the skills a big dog needs to know in public is to fit in small spaces, not sprawl. This is her first time with this box, and the first time I’ve gotten her to sit in or on an object that wasn’t at least as big as she is.

And I still have a long way to go as a handler. There’s a lot of mistakes in this video (mainly not waiting for her to finish eating all the stray treats), but I can see where she’s focused on the sound and wants to earn her reward.

We’ll keep going, and keep learning. The lesson to keep moving, to keep trying, can be a difficult one to hold on to. Losing Strider as a SDIT was a bitter lesson that sometimes you have to let go, and healing from grief takes whatever path it will take. I'm glad he was in my life. I'm glad I've got a pair of great dogs, and I'm grateful to be looking forward.

ADBC #11: Resources and Tools

When I saw the call for the 11th Assistance Dog Blog Carnival, it was just days after returning Strider to his breeder, and didn't want to participate. After all, I'd failed, hadn't I? What could I offer?

It's been a little over a month since I handed Strider over, and while the grief and pain is still there, I'm starting to pull out of my deep blue funk, and realizing I still have something to offer. The call for posts was extended and I realized I have about six years worth of gear choices, and our experiences with each.

This ADBC's theme is Resources and Tools, and Frida Writes did a lovely job sorting the many things into usable topic lists: http://fridawrites.blogspot.com/2013/05/eleventh-assistance-dog-blog-carnival.html

Assistance Dog Blog Carnival button- purple dog silhouette.

I've done both a rescue dog and a puppy from a reputable breeder. So I guess I should mention both as great resources for finding the right dog, though shelters only work if you're able to pass on a cute puppy or a sad, lonely adult and keep looking for the right dog for you, and responsible breeders only work if they know your limits and strengths as well as they know their dogs and pups. If you're not able to pass on the cute or the pity, I'd suggest finding a program or trainer to select and train the dog and place it with you.

I hadn't realized what a wonderful resource a good, knowledgeable breeder could be, and still chat with Strider's breeder, and enjoy watching her blog. Knowing that there was the safety net, in case things didn't work out, was helpful as well. As it became more and more clear Strider and I couldn't work together in public because I'd underestimated my disability and reactions after a second car crash, knowing his breeder was there for him was a huge relief. I didn't have to worry about finding him a good home, or how I would care for him, and Duncan, and a SDIT. I continue to wish I wasn't as disabled as I am, and that I was able to keep Strider, but knowing his breeder was there for him has helped tremendously.

Duncan at the shelter meet and greet room.

My dogs are intended to be mobility dogs first and foremost. Most of their gear, tasks, and grooming is meant to work around or with my limits. No super long haired dogs, or I'll bust out the horse clippers.

In the beginning, I started Duncan in a simple carting harness I found at the local Dressler's Dog Supplies (sadly, since closed). Just something to get him used to wearing a harness. His exposure in public was going well, so I ordered a SDIT cape from someone I met through an online forum, who sold things on ebay. I had seen the vests at SitStay.com, but didn't like the looks of them, and I wanted to buy one and adjust it for his growth. I have heard many good things about SitStay.com and RaspberryField.com vests. I prefer the way his SDIT vest came out, and it's adjustable, so it worked for Strider and will work for the next SDIT.

Duncan stands in front of an oak dresser wearing a light blue vest with patches.

It was a shock when Duncan started to blow coat. I'd had double coated dogs (field line English Setters) before. None of them had as much undercoat as this stock coated mutt. You could try to part his hair, and not have a clear look at his skin.

Brown dog with lighter brown line of hair in the "part".

I tried a number of tools, before settling on a Furminator. The amount of hair that came off amazed me. We're in the middle of a blowout now, and I'm still amazed. But now I can see skin, and he's better ready for summer.

Brown dog with pale line of skin in the part.

We went on working, and Duncan kept doing better. We moved from the SDIT vest to a quick-release Outward Hound backpack (http://www.amazon.com/Kyjen-Outward-Hound-Release-BackPack/dp/B003MU9OFM) with patches I made, and a spare leather collar to see if having him do momentum pull would help me before I committed to the purchase price of a harness. It helped me a great deal, so when Duncan passed his OFA evaluations, and I went looking for a harness. 

I found Bridgeport Equipment (https://www.bridgeportequipment.com/), and got the double strap mobility harness on someone's recommendation. He was very fond of working, so he never ducked the harness in the years we used it. It did rub his chest bare, occasionally, so I would go on to pad the straps for him, and the rigid handle got layer after layer of padding trying to make it not hurt my hands.

The Bridgeport harness, perhaps the day I got it? Not a ding, and no padding added.

The Outward Hound backpack over the Bridgeport. I swear the best thing about the backpack was room for big patches.

Duncan's favorite resources would be BestBullySticks.com where I get him chews like tendons, bully sticks, and antler burrs for the times when I'm writing or reading or sick and unable to do more active things. For those days when I am more active, Duncan turns into Mr. Fetch. Air Kong and hunting bumpers (a tube shaped toy on a string) are his favorites, and the picture below shows how much use we get out of them. I picked these up at Dressler's, but the Kong, at least, can be found at Petsmart/Petco. These toys float, so they're also good for lake days.

Four bumpers- an old, nasty looking Air Kong where the cord has ripped out, a shiny new Kong, a bright new orange bumper, and a faded grey-with-a-rip-in-the-cover old bumper.

Other great toys for active dogs with inactive handlers who may have varying hand strength or mobility include things like the Chuckit http://www.chuckit.com/, and the HyperDog slingshot http://www.hyper-products.com/products.html I got a lot more use out of the slingshot, as Duncan's not terribly interested in balls, but flying squeaky toys kept him busy for a long time.

Kiddie pools from Walmart were also a wonderful thing in summer. They kept him entertained, they amused me, and they kept him from overheating.

Duncan creates and bites at a splash in a 5ft kiddie pool.

I would eventually give up on a rigid handle harness. I didn't want to fall and torque Duncan's back, and I needed momentum pull, not brace work while moving. I decided to try the PawPower Creations Sport Style harness (http://www.livingblind.com/guide-dog-harness.html) with a number of me and Duncan specific changes. I had them move the contact points forward and down, use metal hardware of a sort I could manage instead of squeeze snaps I couldn't always open, and made sure the shoulder pieces were long enough that the front of the harness was over his prosterum. He's built a little weird, and his prosternum is only slightly higher than the point of his elbow.

The first time I had the harness on, and had the girth strap too far  forward. His body language is much better than in the Bridgeport.

And the ActiveDogs.com neoprene bridge handle. So soft to use.

It worked beautifully with the Outward Hound backpack.

He loved the PawPower from the first time he had it on. I loved the handle I bought from ActiveDogs.com (http://www.activedogs.com/product.php?id=98) It has been squishy and lovely to work with since it arrived. ActiveDogs has a number of other pieces of gear, including harnesses.

For Strider, I wanted a harness to hold him in the car until he learned to settle on his own. I found the Kurgo (http://www.kurgostore.com/dog-travel/enhanced-strength-tru-fit-smart-harness-with-steel-nesting-buckles/) and it had buckles I could use. It also adjusted to fit Duncan, though their body types are very different.

Strider (bicolor GSD) in the backseat wearing the Kurgo Harness.

While researching and going for the PawPower, I came across many other designs of mobility harness. 

The Freedom Harness only comes in one size, and has had supply troubles, but those that use it, usually like it a lot. I couldn't find a link, apparently there's a new no-pull harness with the same name.

The Classi Pack is a similarly built harness http://www.classiproducts.com/products.html and still looks to be available.

The Har-Vest is a vest/pack that comes with easily exchangeable and replaceable straps to custom fit the gear http://www.abetterpet.com/har-vest/

For heavy mobility needs, there are Circle-E http://circleeleather.com/Service_Dog_Harnesses.html and Bold Lead Designs http://boldleaddesigns.com/products-overview/

There's also a number of gear exchanges on Facebook and through forums. Duncan's old Bridgeport moved on to someone I'd met through Livejournal who was not sure if a Bridgeport would work for her, who then bought a tan one because she liked the color better, and moved the brown harness on to a third SD home. (https://www.facebook.com/groups/374855945939732/?fref=ts is a gear exchange friends of mine use).

Note: I paid for all my gear, and have not been compensated for any of the products or websites I talk about/link to in this post.

Strider's Career Change

When I picked him from his litter and started taking him out, Strider was confident, adaptable, and not bothered by being out in public. He greeted people politely, but didn't seek attention. It looked really good for him taking over Duncan's job.


I was hit Sept 2011, and we got hit on the way home with him July 2012. I am in therapy, and I can drive known routes like to and from work without too much issue, but I don't just get in a car and drive somewhere for my amusement any longer. There's about a 1 hour bubble from home were I can drive without too much issue. This PTSD is on top of my mobility and fatigue issues.

Somewhere along the way my anxiety about car rides meant I stopped taking Strider out as much because we'd been most the local places and needed to go new places, outside my comfort bubble. It sort of spiraled from there. I'd be nervous because of the car ride, he'd be cuing off of me and looking to find the trigger in the environment from the moment we stepped out of the car.


Strider started to guard, and he was guarding against all sorts of people. Then he started to guard me while we were at home. He would even bark to alert me of my parents approaching out in the yard (not quite the same as his guarding bark, but still loud.) He'd bark, I'd startle and scan the environment, he'd see me startle and assume his barking was right. We were feeding off of each other, and not in a good way.


I contacted a local trainer who works with working line GSDs, and trains service dogs. I was hoping we could work our way out of the vicious cycle we were in. The eval was not horrible, but with me as a handler, Strider would not be completely trustworthy in public. The trainer assumed it was Strider, I was pretty sure it was me or us as a combo.


I called his breeder, and she assumed it was just him being an adolescent jerk. She offered to take him back, see him through the worst of it, then let me have him back once he was past it. I was honest, and figured it was me/us paired together. She offered to take him and find him a new home.

We drove him back to his breeder in VA starting Easter morning, and left him with her the night of April 1st. Partly, I was worried he wouldn't handle being shipped, partly because he'd learned how to break out of normal "airline" crates and an escape proof metal one big enough to meet shipping guidelines would be more than the cost of hotels and gas to get us to VA. My dad did the driving, and I tried to remember to breathe in the passenger seat.


Strider's been there 3 days. He's been adjusting and relaxing quickly with her. He's playing well with her dogs, including Jack Russells and 8 and 11 week old puppies, he's not bark-alerting to sounds like he had been with me, and he's adjusting to her being his human. She's going to take him to a Walmart parking lot tomorrow to see how much of his reactivity was based on my actions, and make her plan from there. Ideally he'll be placed in a working home with a non-anxious handler. He sounds like he's blossoming into the dog I hoped he'd be when I picked him, but she's also seeing where he turns to look for her reaction before deciding how to respond. He's a good dog. We're a very bad match.


The breeder and I agree I'd do best to look for a young adult dog. Basically, I need to be on the other side of the equation as far as having someone else give up a young dog who didn't work for them, like I did when I found Duncan. There's a lady in garden club who's got contacts with local breeders, and is shaking the bushes to see what happens. Strider's breeder has suggested a Lab breeder she knows.


I'd planned to give myself a couple months to grieve giving back Strider. Even if it's best for both of us, it hurts. The people in my life want to see me succeed (such a wonderful problem to have) and are working hard to try to find me a dog that will match me with all my issues. It just feels a little too soon right now.

TPLO 8 week checkup

Duncan is cleared to rejoin the pack, and to off leash play in increasing increments over the next couple weeks. His x-rays are good, his range of motion is great, and the surgeon seemed a little impressed with Duncan's attitude in general. (Duncan was much relieved to come back to me, last time we were in that room I had to leave him for surgery.)

Duncan's having fun playing bitey face. He's not up and wrestling the pups, but he'll lay down, putting his TPLOed knee under him, and grab at puppy ankles as they go by. He chased Strider for about two minutes, then decided that was enough running for the day. He's a tiny bit stiff today, but he's still playing and hopping on and off of furniture.

We'll be back to full time fetch and tackle games in a couple weeks. It's nice not to have to do the rotation of young dogs. Ocho does not approve this change, as Duncan is joining in the young dog gaunlets where everyone pesters the old man (mostly muzzle licks or sniffing his behind) until Ocho busts out the "you kids get off my lawn!" bark. Since he (rarely) joins them in play, they're all gambling this will be the time the old man will play with them, and they back off when they're told off.

One month out

Duncan's up to 15 minute walks outside, and ten or 12 on the treadmill depending on when the head bob starts to happen. He can't compensate and walk in curves on the treadmill, so he uses his TPLOed knee more there, and it seems to tire him. He's had some morning stiffness, but he seems content with how his leg works. Of course, I'm still not sure how much of this is him over-using his right leg, so he's still restricted on many things.

I can see he's still losing muscle on his left thigh, so we haven't yet hit the point where he's using it enough to bulk up. I wish I knew more about standard times and how this should be going. I'm not too worried yet, and he seems to be using it more as the days go by.

Judging by the warnings that he wouldn't really start to use his leg until six weeks out, and he's been using it since a couple of days after the surgery, he's too stoic for me to trust I'll see when he's in pain. I think this means he's doing well, but again, I'm not sure.


Strider, having seen Duncan on the treadmill, wanted a turn. I've started leaving him in a different room, as he's so excited he bark/screams about his turn. I worry about my hearing with his big voice. His first time was a minute on leash, and he was all excited and happy. Second time, I let him do it off leash, and he was stomping the front engine compartment to make it go faster. He was on about a minute and a half, having a grand time. He's too young for this to be a large part of his exercise, but it's nice to know he has no fear of the machine.

Update post operation

Duncan's sleeping most the day, but he's happy, it seems. He's off the Tramadol and the Fentanyl and he's trying to prance on leash when he's on potty walks. He's using the TPLOed leg to walk on. He's still getting Etogesic, and that seems to be enough for pain management for the current time.

He's been shaking his toys and trying to engage us in fetch. I bought an Easy Button to try to keep him amused, but the "that was easy" voice freaked him out (he was probably stoned when it went off under his chin.) His appetite is back, which is very nice to see, so we've been working on building his confidence with the button with the batteries removed. He's still a little edgy about the distinct click of the button, but he's willing to hit it.

We made him a new dog bed out of a foam mattress topper, so we could put his old bed through the wash. When I set it down to try to coax him off the old one, he moved over so he was front half on new bed, rear half on old bed, then sprawled out like he though it was an addition, not a replacement.

The bruising is all gone, the swelling is mostly gone, and the scabs are falling off his suture line. We'll go in Thursday for a checkup. His hair is starting to grow back noticeably, so we won't be calling him "naked butt" forever.


In SDIT news, Strider's figured out all the parts of the play retrieve, and the Perpetual Fetch games have begun. With a bit more training and practice, that should become a working retrieve and his first solid task.

In Transition

It's blog carnival time again.
Assistance Dog Blog Carnival: http://aftergadget.wordpress.com/about-the-assistance-dog-blog-carnival/

This round is hosted at:
http://learninbabysteps.wordpress.com/2012/10/09/call-for-submissions-for-the-ninth-assistance-dog-blog-carnival/

The theme this round is "Moments", and I've had a lot of them of late.

Duncan has mild but problematic neurological issues. He’s stable. At 6 years of age, he’s in the prime of his life, but he’s no longer able to do public access work. He has moments of distress and drooling, but they are blessedly few and far between.

Strider turned 5 months on the 19th. He’s a very good puppy, and he likes learning.

Because I live in the same house, visit the same places, and go to the same dog training club, Strider’s life with me overlaps Duncan’s life with me in many places. Often as not, the pattern of “command, dog’s name” comes out “go left, Du-Strider.” I'm not used to working with Strider, but we're getting there.

Moments can be like a knife in the heart- going to a store without a dog, relying on my family to play service human, remembering this spot, or that thing, and what Duncan did. Remembering how he backed up and sat down on my feet in an aisle at a thrift store too narrow for him to come back to brace position, because we’re asking the pups to come front then sit facing out. Or when Strider sits on my feet when I’m standing around at home, because he’s quick on the uptake.

Moments when Strider and I are at the training building, and he does something perfectly, and I say “Good boy, Dunc-” and catching myself to use his name. So many “good dogs” have been directed at Duncan, it’s hard to be giving the same attention to another dog.

Moments when I take Strider out for socialization runs, and have to shut the door in Duncan’s face because I can’t work them both hurt on a level I wasn’t expecting.

Moments when Strider does something well, or something so far ahead of the other puppies in class, I feel like we’re going to make it as a team.

Moments when I come home and they both greet me, or when they chase each other in the yard, or wrestle at my feet bring me joy.

Moments when they work together almost always make me laugh. Whether we’re playing “find me” and they split up to cover ground because they trust each other to cover part of the search, or if I put them out to potty and Duncan opens the door to let them back in while Strider rushes in to where I’m sleeping and wakes me up with kisses and wiggles so I’ll get up and make them breakfast and Duncan brings the pans.

Moments working Strider on new things keep me focused on how we're working together, where he looks back to check with me make me so proud. Today we went to a therapy session. His second run to this office. He’s figured out all the things that were strange and worrisome last time are harmless, and was confident, quiet, and friendly (not typical for my little Shepherd boy. He’s very polite, but not overt in approaching people.) We hit the bathrooms, his first public bathroom, and the automatic flush fascinated him, as did the automatic paper towel dispenser. Watching Strider’s reaction to these new things makes me aware of all the instants in a day where we do things we take for granted.

I am between public work dogs, and training the puppy is added work and stress in public. I am thankful I am not without a service dog in the home. For all the difficulties, work and worry, I find this transition is full of moments of joy.

I look forward to many more moments with my boys, both at home where Duncan can help me, and out in the world as Strider and I build a partnership one step at a time.

Growing up

Strider's 16 weeks. Four months. Thirty five pounds, 17+ inches at the shoulder.

This is so different than any prior dog. I've owned puppies before, but never has their job relied on their size or structure. At least, not as much as Strider's future job relies on his bulk and height. I've got a minor level of stress- will he grow big enough? will he grow properly?- but mostly I'm in awe of how much he is growing.

Duncan, the only other dog I've needed to be of a size for mobility work, came from a shelter mostly grown. I suppose that's the yardstick- 75 pounds and 23 inches by ~9 months. But I didn't see his first 9 months of growth, and all my other pups have topped out under 65 pounds. I have no idea what's normal, what's ideal.

Strider is most the way there on height. If he keeps with putting on 2.1+ pounds a week, we'll get there on weight. Which hopefully means I'll get the Duncan sized dog I've been dreaming of out of this "buy a puppy" gamble.

I think I'm pretty well settled on his registered name, so I'll need to send the paperwork off soon. I think I'll wait and get him microchipped first, so I can add his microchip number to his tattoo number on the paperwork so it's part of his permanent record.

He's already got a chest and head as broad as Twist, our 50 pound female Setter.

Strider stands looking at the camera, ears pricked and expression mildly interested.

I love my lunker puppy.

Setting the Rhythm

This is a post for the 8th Assistance Dog Blog Carnival
ADBC origins http://aftergadget.wordpress.com/about-the-assistance-dog-blog-carnival/
The call for submissions for this round is at Ruled By Paws http://www.ruledbypaws.ca/2012/06/assistance-dog-blog-carnival-call-for-submissions/
The topic is "Marchin' to your own drum".

I have never gone the stereotypical route of applying with a service dog program. I first learned that I could use a SD with my disabilities while I was still in college, and I was focused on getting done with class as soon as I could (now-now-now!). There was no time in my plans to go train with a dog for weeks, no time to pause from classes. I learned an incredible amount from a number of people on several Yahoo groups. Everything got funneled into a desperate, needy place, where had-to, must-do, and need-it-now beat out a terrifying rhythm.

My years of bird dog training, and knowledge of many dogs I had seen grow up (and how they turned out) fed into a fear-driven pounding of things that must happen as I hit shelters and checked pounds to see if they had anything with the right temperament near the size I needed in a mobility dog.

I found one, and then the real pressure began. I had the few short months of summer to turn my big brown mutt from friendly but unruly to businesslike. By some grace (and a lot of luck), we did it, and Duncan went back to school with me, ready to take on the chaotic schedule of classes, meetings, and study groups.

All fueled by need it now, can’t fail and fear.

I knew I’d beaten enormous odds to pull a dog from the shelter and have him work out as a service dog, so I began looking around for breeds I might be able to use in the future when Duncan was 3. It wasn't that he wasn't working, it was that the fear was still there, still driving my choices. When he was 5, I contacted a German Shepherd breeder whose dogs I liked the looks of, with temperaments which seemed to be appropriate for public work. I didn’t ever want to be without a service dog, in that place of pounding worry and pressure to make it work, again.

Duncan developed neurological issues, which are mild, but I can’t see the fairness in working an ill dog. My plan to have Duncan work and help me train my SDIT fell through. I am without a public access service dog, though Duncan works in the home and when we visit family in their homes. I grieved the loss of his aid while out in the world, but the relentless worry never returned because he was still home, still working there.

I’m back at the very beginning when it comes to SDs. I’ve started with my now 9 week old GSD pup, Strider, on a very few things- “tug”, “touch” and I’m encouraging every pick-up-and-carry of object he offers. I’ve got a lot of hope and need in this puppy. Somehow Duncan’s able and willing attitude in the home has kept me from falling back on the desperate, speed of need rhythms.

I am taking it slow with Strider, making sure he’s happy with the new things in his life while we work on the skills that are vitally important to our future together. Sometimes, I do wonder what would have happened if I’d gone to a program, and had that support system in place as I retired my first SD. It’s a mild curiosity, as I don’t regret my choices to do it myself.

Having Duncan pick up the burden I couldn’t carry on my own, and bring his joy into my life has slowed many of my worries. I’m not desperate for a helper this time around, and I think that more relaxed attitude will benefit Strider as we move forward.

I’m happy with the way working with Duncan has changed the tempo of my life. I’m hopeful Duncan will continue to transition well into retirement, and I’m hopeful Strider will come into his own as a SDIT and mobility SD in the years to come.

With Duncan, there was no time for him to be a puppy and grow up. I was working toward a goal, I needed help, and I needed it immediately. I chose an older dog to cut down on the time he’d be growing and unable to do tasks. I pushed Duncan hard, and he handled it.

This time around, because of Duncan and the help he does at home, and the way I’ve re-arranged my life to do things without Duncan, Strider gets time to be a puppy. Because of Duncan, I had the option to go looking for a puppy from a breeder. It’s a freedom I wouldn’t have had without shelter shopping and finding Duncan.

Additionally, while Duncan was a mutt, he met the "expectations" of the public for the most part. Mostly Lab shaped, a warm brown with an engaging face and tan markings, mostly gregarious, mostly quiet, he was commented on and adored by many who saw him working. I don't know how things will be different with Strider, but I think it'll be a new wrinkle to adjust to in the partnership. He is a bicolor (black with a little tan on his paws and cheeks) GSD, with the traditional prick ears. He'll be a different outline, a different presence. I don't know how the public will interact with him, but he's already less of a draw for cooing well-wishers than the other puppy in the house.

Duncan’s neurological issues remain steady, and I hope he’s around to help me keep the tempo of “everything in its own time” for many more years. He’ll be 6 next month. I like the heartbeat he’s given my life, and I hope I can keep it as Strider and I work into the future.

Introducing Strider

He sat on my lap as we did the paperwork. (pre tattoo)

On July 12th, I got to meet the Blackthorn S litter (Xita x Jedi). There were 7 boys and 5 girls. I watched the litter for a while, and based on the recommendations of the breeder, a SD trainer friend of mine, and my own observations, I took home the bicolor boy with the puppy name Simba.

The next day we were back, and I helped hold them for tattoos, and we headed back west, toward home. 1040 miles and one car accident later (we were rear ended in East Saint Louis when construction halted traffic, we were unharmed, Strider was unphased), we were home. Duncan's taken to the little dude very well, and I'm still working on coming up with his official name. His call name is Strider. He's smart, toy motivated, and seems to be very fetch oriented.

He and the English Setter puppy Sunny are the sort of chaos you'd expect in two pups from working bloodlines, but so far they're a joy to have.